I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food