*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.