How dramatic are you?
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: