I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
happy mother’s day❤️
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep