Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
the saddest jazz hands ever
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols