Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
You Might Also Like
Worst Native American name ever.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Ken is short for chicken
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
What a website