*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices