Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?