My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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I’m sorry…what?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?