Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You Might Also Like
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone