“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.