I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
A roof is a house hat.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
These work great until they don’t.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!