HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
the noise i just made
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”