Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Bringing home a sharpie
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
you gotta be faster
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.