Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles