I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
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Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé