What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
WHY would you be happy about this?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store