Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
john wicks are toilet candles
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
two people or more is called a problem
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?