Me irl
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*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Those are good neighbors.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
This is a bad sign
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
haha same
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you