If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Vodka burrito was a success
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My biological clock is wheezing.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
all bases covered
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?