Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
😂😂😂
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine