*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go