My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I feel it
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
real
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there