In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
You are not alone 💚
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )