Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
When someone says you are so lazy
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Cannot stop laughing at this
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.