I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.