white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
this is uni
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder