[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.