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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.