I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I would like even faster food.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”