we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas