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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
wow
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.