Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.