“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If only.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.