I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*