Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???