Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Seas the day!!!!
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!