The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.