Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My zodiac sign is pistachio
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants