I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
this country is so goddamn polarized
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
a fate I wish upon no one
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick