USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
This could’ve been an email.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.