Feels like the fourth month in January
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”