When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.