mentally somewhere in italy
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.