A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Don’t we all.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
San Francisco has too many rules
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.