[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take