I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.