The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Happy Halloween 🎃
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Somebody call the cops.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.