My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
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Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.