impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush